Libertarian Mating
Aug 14th, 2009 | By Linda Brady Traynham | Category: Featured, Morning Whiskey
It shocks me to realize that not only does the younger generation need an old-fashioned service, but that so, apparently do those who are supposed to be older and wiser. Never let it be said that I shirk my duty (so long as it does not involve mopping floors or clipping the dogs’ toenails), so welcome to Dear Aunt Libby.
I keep getting complaints like this:
“Dear Aunt Libby: I just can’t seem to find a nice girl no matter how I try. They all want to talk about how wonderful Obama is and how we should do more for the poor. They don’t even like my guns. What’s a guy to do? Bubba”
“Dear Aunt Libby: Men are so shallow! They think I care that they drive BMW and Lexus and wear Bally and Coach loafers. Aren’t there any left who know a Laffer curve from mine from a Kondratieff? Brainy But Nice”
Children, children, children:
There are rules about how to find a mate, when, and why.
If Aunt Libby were Empress of the Universe she would reinstitute marriages of convenience for two generations and see if that would facilitate breeding true for principles. The world ran much better when parents chose brides and grooms for their progeny, although I will grant that the kids should have opportunities to get to know each other and their choice of three candidates. Since this is no longer the case, listen while Aunt Libby explains to you why you end up divorced, unhappy, and disillusioned.
The purpose of marriage is to protect people and property. All conservative rules have the same goal. It has nothing to do with a cute rear end, pheromones, or settling for what is handy.
1. NEVER go out with anyone about whom you know even one thing which would be a bar to marriage. Break off immediately if such a trait or fact emerges. Even if it is the boss’ daughter.
2. NEVER attempt to change anyone. Do not believe that he or she will “change,” or “grow up.” Ignore trifling flaws that do not deal with character because otherwise you will end up with no prospects at all, but have nothing further to do with a liar, a cheat, a thief, a vulgarian, or a liberal. Look askance at vegetarians.
3. NEVER continue seeing anyone who wants to change you. That isn’t going to happen, either, other than on very small items such as “If you don’t ask me if that dress makes you look fat, I won’t call you ’snookums.’” (In your spare time, watch a little Jeff Foxworthy.)
4. If you want a nice girl, go where nice girls are. They aren’t found hanging out in bars, and the ones behind the counter at MacDonald’s may be cute but they are too young to date and they are far too callow. The same basic instruction works for ladies: nice guys don’t hang out in bars looking for females to pick up. I, myself, would not date anyone who had ever worked for Goldman Sachs, but your Aunt Libby is extremely nice in her requirements.
5. If at all possible get to know the person first through e-mail, and I don’t care whether you use Match.com, the tiny bizarre site for self-styled intellectuals, or start a lively debate below this article, which is a better idea.
Calling all nubile, suitably intelligent and sensible ladies! Your Mr. Wright could well be a subscriber to W&G, and Aunt Libby will monitor your conversations, coach you, and smack knuckles with verbal rulers as required. Attention, superior men! Tell me about yourselves, and unless you are too much of a yum-yum to offer to others, I will play matchmaker. If you are lowlife Statist scum I will chase you off with words. Go find yourself a mouth breather with mush for brains.
6. Do NOT be in a hurry to meet. Don’t even be in a hurry to talk on the telephone!
Both of those things change the equation. Finding someone whom you can truly love and be happy with is a very lengthy job-interview process even to line up on the race track. It takes a lot more than Jacks or better to get into my game. As I told our darling Gary, I am certain there are at least six men worthy of me in the continental US, three of them might feel the same way, and a couple of them may not even be taken. He’s one of them! Alas, he is scarcely more than half my age and lives 1800 miles away, so I can’t annex him. I do look at his writing occasionally and feel like Russia eyeing Poland…If there is a truly magnificent lady between 35 and 45, please write below this article and explain to me why I should consider you a fit consort for a very, very dear friend.
My son has never brought a young lady home that I have not liked, but he wants a girl just like the girl who married dear old Dad. His girls are always very, very intelligent, sweet, funny, kind, and have Barbie doll figures. They have cute but definitely not beautiful faces. Andrew figured out very early in life that highly finished bits of nature tend to be dull, boring, arrogant, and ignorant. All they have ever had to be is beautiful. Gary did not have the benefit of having me for a mother, so he–and the rest of you menfolk–need to have these things explained to you.
7. Life is really very simple, my little sweet potatoes. By the time you have exchanged a dozen lengthy e-mails each, one or the other of you will almost certainly have transgressed Rule One. You will discover undesirable character traits, or demonstrate that you bore the other person.
You, with your pure, clean, innocent, ignorant young minds will find this difficult to believe, but your very own Aunt Libby was rejected by a yahoo who responded in horror, eventually, “I just want a nice, ordinary lady!” Well, gee, sorry, but I refuse to be dull, typical, and always predictible. I told him kindly, “Go find yourself a nice little robot or Stepford Wife.” Amazing, huh? I have spent a lifetime becoming what I am, usually deliberately, and he wants plain vanilla, and not even French vanilla at that? (We use only the real stuff out of Mexico, both beans and liquid.)
Best of all, you can weigh each other’s words carefully, at your leisure, and you don’t have to get dressed or even put your shoes on. Extra hint: if the brute tries to lure you into lurid discussions of sex early in your correspondence, he almost certainly has other repugnant habits. You can give him the benefit of the doubt and make a demure, ladylike, but not cold, response…but if he keeps on–ditch him. Beware of those who want to take photographs; I am told they tend to show them around, sometimes to a new “love” interest!
Here’s another of Auntie Libby’s mistakes: I got coaxed by a friend into having dinner with a college professor here where I live. He showed up ten minutes late reeking of alcohol since he had started three hours earlier at Happy Hour at the country club. He continued to drink while I had On The Border, and I was so furious that I grabbed the check! I didn’t want to be beholden to that crass boor for so much as a glass of iced tea and a Marguerita. Yeech. College degrees and cc memberships are definitely no guarantee that you’ll have a nice time. The best to be said for him is that he sent me a charming poem (the only thing about him that charmed me) about how I was a type A and he was a type B. Moral: don’t break my own rules.
8. Take your own sweet time before you agree to talk on the telephone. That changes the rules of the game.
Alas, there are men you can talk to for many happy hours on the telephone only to discover upon meeting that you’re chalk and cheese, instant brothers and sisters. That’s th’ biz. Again, though, this phase has a very real purpose. You can see better what you have in common and how you enjoy conversing. You avoid a host of distractions. And you don’t have to put on makeup or your shoes. Men don’t have to wash their cars and put on a tie.
You are superior beings or you would not be listening raptly to your darling Aunt Libby. The chances are high, my cupcakes, that the person you really want in your life is not some glossy, pneumatic little lollipop with a tabla rasa for a mind. The sneaky idea, here (and very practical it is) is by the time you meet you will like each other down to the bones. So much so that physical attributes will not matter.
9. You really don’t need to be sitting in a restaurant, distracted by waiters and sweet, ladylike thoughts of “Oh, dear, I don’t want to order anything too expensive, and I really wish he would make a suggestion!” I have one of those, a suggestion, that is: if anyone hands you a “date” menu, demand, sweetly, of course, a regular menu with prices. Your date will appreciate your consideration and this simple demonstration of conservative principles. You may suppose that the gentleman would not have chosen a restaurant he could not afford, but that doesn’t mean he is prepared for you to order Michelle Obama’s $400 appetizer of champagne and caviar. A thoughtful gentleman would say, “The crab appetizer is very good here,” or you might smile, “I love onion rings, do you? Maybe we could share some?”
10. Do NOT whine about your diet. My way, you will know each other so well before you ever meet that you aren’t going to be filled with insecure thoughts about your attractiveness. You will like each other for things that are real and eternal, or you wouldn’t be there. By that time the fellow who interested you enough to agree to dine with him really isn’t going to care that your waistline isn’t quite what it used to be, and you really aren’t going to care that he doesn’t have as much hair as a Beatle.
11. Keep your hands off each other! Of all the things that will addle your minds (or, as bad, be unsatisfactory) and change the dynamic irrevocably, the very worst is beginning a sexual relationship prematurely. That stops conversation cold. It ends the process of discovering how his or her mind works. It trivializes your growing relationship. While it is true you might end up with a “friend with benefits”, that will distract you from your hormones and not take up a lot of your valuable time…well, put that way, perhaps it isn’t all that bad an idea, but it isn’t how you are going to find someone who can finish your sentences, as you can his or hers, who knows that nothing is worth arguing over other than principles, and if you don’t agree on those one of you should walk away politely instantly.
12. Absolutely, positively, no exceptions, never have anything to do with anyone who is “separated,” far less married. If he or she will cheat on his or her spouse with you, you can be quite certain that such a person will not be faithful to you in the long run either.
13. Kind hearts are more than coronets, and simple faith than Norman blood. Do look for the best combination you can find of all of those.
These are very simple basics, but if you apply these principles to choosing social companions you will be much happier and have a far greater chance of success. Oh…go catch up on back reports, polish your resume, or buy silver. Most of our lives it is far better to be an island. If you think you have problems now, give in to the nesting urge and complicate your lives with progeny and someone unsuitable. You’ll pay for that mistake for at least the next quarter of a century.
Do write if you have any specific questions. The chances are great that sweet Aunt Libby will tell you, “Read Rule ___ again!” Until the next time I feel inclined to untangle the messes you have gotten yourself in,
Regards,
Aunt Libby Tarian
August 14, 2009
Best rule of thumb for selecting a spouse: Don’t marry the one you think you can live with; marry the one you know you can’t live without.
Linda, this is why we love you. I’m married now (to a vegetarian lib, alas), but this would have been welcome advice then, and it’s great advice for any of you still looking out there.
Hi, n9lhm, good to see your “name” again.
Well, yes and no. If you can’t live without them for all the right reasons, as I couldn’t my darling Charles, that is the correct answer. I was talking to the guys with their tongues hanging out, “Wow, babes!” and females who have despaired of finding anyone who shares their interests and ideas and ideals and take the best of a bad lot.
Auntie Libby may still shoot dueling fashion and think “convenience” food is Hellman’s Mayonnaise, but she does adopt technology when it is a better way. I think that on-line “dating” is a gosh-bang-gee-whiz of an idea. You can have more and better conversation with thirty minutes spent writing than you ever will at a party. The experience compounds quickly, so that months of traditional dating can be compressed into much less time with much better effect. Your privacy is reasonably assured, so you aren’t likely to end up with a stalker. Either side can back out gracefully at any time, which is not something that can be said of calling it quits after having been out a dozen times.
Little everyday exchanges will tell you about the other’s temperament. One of the things I prize MDC most for is that he is absolutely unflappable! He NEVER pitches fits over trifles, and when he is displeased he says blandly, “I need to lay a little leadership on Freddie,” or whoever, and he goes and takes care of the problem gently but thoroughly.
I hold with Ayn Rand that “desire is the body’s response to the judgement of the MIND.” Sure, we all have our ideas of what is attractive physically, but the mental attraction is far more important. Even Auntie Libby can be shallow occasionally, and Kevin Smith garbed as Ares, God of War, blows all her circuit breakers. Fortunately, she knows the difference between fact and fantasy. The real Kevin Smith has been married happily to his high school sweetheart for over a quarter of a century and is probably as dull as ditchwater, but wow, what a role. My problem is that I want what I see when the special effects are real!
The wonderful thing about choosing mates when we are older is that we know who we are, what we want, what is a sine qua non, what is unacceptable no matter how good the rest of the package is…Charles is the only person I have ever known personally who never, ever bores me. He is WORTH yanking myself out of my own little world for. He is worth making myself shut down my computer so that we can have our terrace time, admire the animals, and watch the sun set over the lake. That may not sound like one of the most major concessions on my part since time began, but it is! Even though I love “the very best part of the whole long day.” He reciprocates by smiling at me lovingly about eight or nine and saying, “I guess I had better go fix us some dinner,” while I nod gratefully and keep on writing or researching. Bless his heart! He doesn’t mind cooking and he’s a good cook, but seems like th’ lady of the house might cook occasionally… comes the Greater Depression and they shut down the Internet, there will be ample time for such things. I love to cook.
You see why we are so blessed. We each give gladly and graciously…fond smile. How he loves it when I take a couple of hours and we sit on our loveseat and just read our books in generally companionable silence. I love to read, too, but I need an incentive to get away from things that seem more urgent…
]Tell me that you found the lady you can’t live without, please, and thanks again for writing. Linda
Hi again, Erik. I’m sure your vegetarian lib has qualities so overwhelmingly wonderful that you can overlook such things, and there ARE those who must be vegetarians for nutritional/medical reasons. And I’ll bet she puts meat in your share of the spinach lasagna! Thanks for writing, because that really makes me feel loved. Hugs, Linda
Hi there,
How refreshing you are, you made me laugh…I’m just West of Ft Hood…Not married, not available at this time.
Thanks for writing, Carol. How great to find another member of the Texas contingent! By next year maybe we’ll throw some get togethers…go build sand castles in Galveston, have a barbecue here, all go to Vancouver wearing matching tee shirts, whatever sounds good.
Gary grabbed the rough draft I turned out around six interruptions, yesterday, but it has some good ideas, although I have more. I was brought up in a far stuffier age, but it is far better to really take our times and know people through good times and bad. I have seen an enormous number of unhappy marriages and very few good ones.
I hope you have a truly terrific fellow in your life, and if you do, how about telling the others how you found each other and what is special about your relationship? If you had seen the look on MDC’s face (My Darling Charles, if anyone does know that), when I shut down my computer, changed, put on jewelry, and went in to where he was reading to tell him I was going to go with him to pick up our magnificent new bull, Brutus. He wanted me to go so…and we both knew I had work that was urgent…and I made a very good decision that e-mail and an article on how we judge wealth were not as important as making that marvelous man happy. What with one thing and another eight hours got lost, but which will I remember longest with the greatest joy? Having written another article, something I do every day, or doing something special specifically to please a man who is the world to me? Well, okay, so I do that every day, too, but it’s like having children: day after day we feel we’re too busy to play, if we aren’t careful, and the next thing we know they’re grown up.
Thanks for writing, and it is good to know you’re only about a hundred miles away! Linda
Practicing these rules starting now.
Linda,
This is my first “biological mating”; how crazy it can be…our quality world has been enhanced greatly. The longevity of these pairings is not good (3 months usually) however we have marked 2 years. Don’t know how long, I’m staying in until the train wrecks.
Downside…he is Democrat…we do not discuss politics.
I look forward to meeting up with you at some time in the future…
You have my email….
Carol
Linda, so today I was in our little German Bakery at Mile “0″ of the Alaska Highway, when I saw a fellow I met two years previous. Richard was driving down through Dawson Creek from Alaska to visit the kids in Minnesota and stopped for the marvelous coffee that Hildegard makes and her Bavarian Bakery delights. Anyway, Richard who has been travelling the last nineteen years after retirement and I were outside on the patio on our second cup. I commented to Richard that I made the mistake of calling an Alaskan an American once, Richard laughed and said it’s true, that is a mistake. Richard said that Alaska is changing slowly but surely and it worries him. The academics want to take over and ruin everything. I also said I made the same error with a Texan that used to live here, he set me straight real quick, but in a nice way y’all know. Gee Linda, now I am getting kinda corny too.
So, Linda, sorry if I offended you (no I’m not), but I think training the horse and buggy is a whole lot easier than training that Jag you bought. Sounds like Charles and you are having a wonderful life! Me too and I am still single after all of these years. Your latest article resonates very well and thank you for that, and keep up the corny stuff.
Best Regards, CanadaNorth
Dear K:
Good for you! I wish I had a copy of my 20 requirements handy, but I am known to say that I don’t care what a man drives so long as he can afford it and doesn’t endanger my life in it.
The first thing I look at is eyes, and no, I don’t care what color they are. I’m looking for intelligence, humor, kindness, awareness…
Then I look at the mouth, and I’m looking, again, for signs of good humor, and an even temperament. I want to see laugh lines, not frown lines.
Occasionally I even look at the rest of a man, but if he doesn’t pass the eye test, who cares how good looking he is?
Best of luck in finding someone terrific! Linda
Dear Carol:
What a charming letter, thank you!
If the quality of your life has been enhanced greatly, you have chosen well, both of you.
I’m fascinated by your statistic–is that something you have read, observing the mistakes of friends, what? How truly dreadful! Good grief, to say nothing of unpleasant breakups and feeling like a slut (I am sooooo old-fashioned!), if that involves moving in with each other I think I’d be inclined to stay celibate rather than having to move or throw someone out four times a year!
If you have made it two years you probably have a pretty good chance, which would be wonderful. Particularly if you don’t complicate your lives with children. Don’t get me wrong, I adore children–especially toddlers–but talk about a stress and a life changer…
As for being a Democrat…he’s young! Not discussing politics is a grand idea, although I have long had a rule that ALL discussions in my vicinity will be academic. Nice, polite, no ad hominem remarks, no loud voices…
It will be fun if we can get together sometime. We’re up Waco way from time to time. I don’t actually get your e-mail here even though you typed it in. If you ask Gary he’ll send it to me; just tell him I said I would like it, please. That will be a lot easier for him than searching for this particular e-mail.
What do you and your fellow do professionaly? My darling Charles and I went off and bought an enormous, gorgeous bull yesterday. For the third time we were amused because the seller is retiring from ranching because he and his wife want to travel…and ranching IS our idea of retirement!
Linda
What a great story about your friend, Canada. You poor, benighted heathen! “Gee Linda, now I am getting kinda corny too.” That’s not corny, honey, thass how we talk! (Well, actually I speak flawless unaccented English, BBC English, German-tinted Engish, and a fine Irish brogue, as well as South’n an’ Texan.) It’s one of our numerous ideas of fun.
So, Linda, sorry if I offended you (no I’m not), but I think training the horse and buggy is a whole lot easier than training that Jag you bought. BRONX cheer, buddy. My cats are impeccable ladies, even if they lock themselves up so that rough hairy strangers cannot touch them. A real sight is a roadside assistance man who doesn’t know that the battery is in the boot but that she’s locked that down so that even a key won’t open it and he has to jump her on a tiny bolt up under the bonnet.
Sounds like Charles and you are having a wonderful life! OH, indeed we do. We never argue, or snipe at each other, or criticize, we never bore each other, and we find amusement in the same things. We have a “pretend” battle over who the dogs and cats belong to, the owner depending upon what the animal is doing. When Smidget misjudged and landed smack in my plate of spaghetti the other night she was definitely HIS cat! In the summer she is MY kitty who sleeps with us every night and gives me kitty kisses, and sometimes wakes me up, the little wretch, brushing her whiskers against me lightly. In the winter she warms HIS feet! We’re content just to be near each other, and at any given time one of us is usually touching the other. It is really very endearing, and the best part is that his 72nd birthday is coming up August 28th. Isn’t that grand, to know that the last really can be the best?!
“Me too and I am still single after all of these years.” Be of good cheer. Just might be that the right lady for you is just about ready to come into your life.
“Your latest article resonates very well and thank you for that, and keep up the corny stuff.” What a flirt you are, CanadaNorth. Seriously…thank you. Linda
“It takes a lot more than Jacks or better to get into my game. As I told our darling Gary, I am certain there are at least six men worthy of me in the continental US, three of them might feel the same way, and a couple of them may not even be taken. He’s one of them! Alas, he is scarcely more than half my age and lives 1800 miles away, so I can’t annex him.”
Linda, (or Rancherlady, if you prefer)
If it sets yours (and Charles’) mind at ease, please don’t confuse sincere admiration for infatuation. The two are quite closely related but distinctly different emotions.
You’re advice is sound and true. The only item I would differ with is the Internet “dating”. I agree wholeheartedly that lengthy conversation before meeting a prospect is a wise move, but using the dominant Internet matching sites is little more useful than just introducing yourself to total strangers on the street.
In any case, I will read and re-read your advise. I’ve come to the same conclusions on my own, by and large, but it always helps to here someone else confirm your beliefs.
Best to you, Charles, and all of those that each of you hold dear.
Single but not giving up!
Jack.
Thanks for posting, CanadaNorth!
Hi Linda, yes I have been married to my first and only wife for 28 years. I suspect we probably violated most of the rules and advice that you listed in your piece though
She was 18 and I was 20, and we were from totally different backgrounds. We did have our heads screwed on a lot better than most people that age, though.
Dear n9lhm: Sometimes you just get lucky! I’m so glad. There is little as lovely as a truly great marriage, and nothing as horrible as a bad one.
Love It!
If I may be so bold as to suggest three additional rules:
1. She can shoot at least as good as you (hopefully better, I’ve seen some of you guys at the range…)
2. She can hold her own or beat you at Jeopardy…..(and not the week they have the kiddies on).
3. On the first date she suggests we go somewhere they serve “Meat, preferably RED meat…”!!!
Ok, it worked for me and 20 years later I still can’t do without my Bride!!!!
Shucks, Brian, I thought everybody knew THOSE rules!!! Joking ruefully; how could I have missed putting them in, other than that I wrote that in six quick sessions around interruptions and Gary grabbed it before I could begin to edit. (Excuses, excuses. Shame on me.)
My darling Charles is the only man I know I would give my gun to if we only had one between us, although I would chew him out royally afterwards…for the first time ever, about anything. I have to laugh: one of the things on my list of 20 is a man who shoots as well as I do, preferably better! He also has to be willing to trust me to guard his back. MDC more than qualifies.
The ideal person can hold his and her own with you on the OLD Jeopardy, back when even we learned something occasionally. I stopped watching when they dumbed it down to sixth grade level. One of MDC’s more fantastic qualities is that no matter what the subject he has something interesting to contribute.
Red meat? Absolutely! It isn’t a meal if it doesn’t include meat, preferably beef, and don’t even kiss her good night if she orders it well done. Anyone who wants it more than medium rare has serious problems.
Thanks for the terrific post, and thank you particularly for speaking well of your lovely wife. THAT is a very attractive quality in a man. Linda
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